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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30038970">Not Coming Home Again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avtodidact/pseuds/Avtodidact'>Avtodidact</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bad News, Death, F/M, Fingerstein, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, I guess it's AU at this point, JeanPiku, Mourning, Plot Twists, canon character death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:13:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,431</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30038970</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avtodidact/pseuds/Avtodidact</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Oh a Scout," the older woman's face lit up, she had evidently seen the patch on Pieck's pockets and sleeves. "You have some news about my Jean?"</p><p>Pieck wasn't expecting it to be this hard, it wasn't the first time she had to deliver bad news...but this...</p><p>***</p><p>Pieck Finger volunteered herself to deliver the worst news possible to Jean Kirstein's mother.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Pieck Finger/Jean Kirstein</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Not Coming Home Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This was the most nervous Pieck Finger had ever felt.</p><p> </p><p>She had fought in wars all over the world, she faced killers twice her size, hell, she even stopped the world from ending. In fact, she could have avoided the whole situation if she hadn't volunteered herself for this.</p><p> </p><p>She took a deep breath. Several, actually. Her nerves couldn't calm down. But she had every reason to be so tightly wound. Who knew a plain wooden door could be so intimidating? It was hot, meaning it was properly afternoon. Paradis, or at least this part of Trost District, was quite humid this time of year. She had already tied her hair into a ponytail but she still needed to fan herself. Of course, this just added to how nervous she was to meet the person inside.</p><p> </p><p>She knocked, not too loud and not too soft. Just firm enough to be polite to the resident.</p><p> </p><p>"Wait!" An older woman's voice came from behind the door. Only short while later the door opened. Pieck scanned the woman and she could see certain things that reminded her of someone else.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh a Scout," the older woman's face lit up, she had evidently seen the patch on Pieck's pockets and sleeves. "You have some news about my Jean?"</p><p> </p><p>Pieck wasn't expecting it to be this hard, it wasn't the first time she had to deliver bad news...but this...</p><p> </p><p>"I...I'm sorry Mrs. Kirstein, may I come in?" Pieck's voice was shaky and creaky, she had promised herself she would at least make it inside before breaking down.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, of course, anything for a friend of my son's. Come in, come in! Gosh, it must be so hot out, I swear ever since the Walls fell, the days have gotten longer and hotter." Jean's mother stepped aside to let Pieck enter.</p><p> </p><p>They sat at the dining room table and Jean's mother immediately put a pitcher of water on the table and poured Pieck a cupful, "Here you go dear, I'm sorry I didn't catch your name?"</p><p> </p><p>Pieck to a sip before clearing her throat, "No Mrs. Kirstein, I'm the one who's sorry. I'm Pieck and...well...I'm not exactly a Scout. But I did fight alongside him and..." She had been running all of the scenarios in her head ever since she asked Mikasa and Armin if she could deliver the bad news to Jean's mother but seeing the kind-hearted lady sitting in front of her whose eyes were full of love and pride for her only son, Pieck's mind went blank.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, I've never met any of his comrades before, that's nice Miss Pieck, tell me what's he like as a soldier?" Jean's mother was making it even more difficult to say what she wanted to say, no, what she had to say.</p><p> </p><p>"Mrs. Kirstein...I'm very sorry but your son is never coming home again."</p><p> </p><p>Pieck was used to seeing the light leave someone's eyes when they heard their son or daughter wouldn't come home again, but seeing Mrs. Kirstein's entire face go blank and her lips tremble was like getting hit with an Anti-Titan round.</p><p> </p><p>"M...my...not...co...coming home...?" A tear rolled down Mrs. Kirstein's cheek. Soon her sobs turned to anguish turned to wails. Pieck got up and hugged Mrs. Kirstein. She may have overstepped some boundaries but she couldn't let Jean's mother cry alone. Tears, too, started streaming down Pieck's face.</p><p> </p><p>They held each other tight until Mrs. Kirstein went back to sobbing. She wiped her face with the tablecloth while Pieck sat back down. "C...can...can I..." Jean's mother still couldn't speak. Pieck for her part, retrieved something from her breast pocket. "I'm so sorry Mrs. Kirstein, this was the only thing we could bring back." It was the emerald bolo tie of Jean's Survey Corps uniform. It was engraved on the reverse with the initials "JK".</p><p> </p><p>"For what it's worth, your son died saving the world," Pieck wasn't sure her words would bring any comfort. Jean's mother rubbed her thumb against the engraving. "T...thank you, Pieck. I..." Mrs. Kirstein's tears fell on the wood beneath their feet.</p><p> </p><p>"Mrs. Kirstein, the Survey Corps will erect a tombstone for him. I...I could let you know once it's finished."</p><p> </p><p>Jean's mother sniffled again, "I...no...well, he's not really there, right?" Pieck shook her head, there was nothing to bring back. A Titan vaporizes once it's dead after all. The crestfallen Mrs. Kirstein continued, "then there's no reason for me to visit. Please, can you tell me what my Jean was like as a soldier?"</p><p> </p><p>Pieck didn't know where to begin. She guessed she was thinking quietly for too long since Jean's mother said, "He was brave? My boy?"</p><p> </p><p>Pieck didn't have to think before answering, "the bravest. He always put other people first, despite the grave risk he put himself in. He didn't care who you were, if you were on the same side he'd give everything he had." Pieck smiled thinking about one particular instance, "Your son literally swooped in to save me and carried me in his arms. I thought for sure I was going to die that time...but he leapt before thinking and we..." she nearly said they both got out. "Well, I also rescued him a couple of times. Can't give him all the credit."</p><p> </p><p>Jean's mother smiled as well, "That's...I...thank you for sharing that with me Pieck. I'm so glad he was a good soldier."</p><p> </p><p>"No," Pieck said it a little too loud and a little too sudden. "I mean...he wasn't just good. He was the best. I, uh," she had to disguise the actual facts of their fight in Liberio to his mother. "I sparred with him and he gave me a run for my money. Keep in mind I may be small but I'm quick and crafty. I," she hesitated, "I think about that day."</p><p> </p><p>Of course, Pieck didn't mention she was a Titan Shifter or that Jean outsmarted a squad on her back to grievously wound her. Why didn't Jean finish the job? The next thing she remembered about that day she was being carried to safety by Falco, Gabi and Commander Magath. Maybe Jean saw one of the kids and stopped.</p><p> </p><p>Then she thought about their one night on that boat ride to Odiha. And the last time they fought together before Jean Kirstein and her father were...</p><p> </p><p>Pieck was so lost in thought she didn't hear Mrs. Kirstein say something, "I'm sorry I'm distracted, what did you say Mrs. Kirstein?"</p><p> </p><p>There was a warm smile on Jean's mother's face, some intuition had allowed her to divine something about the former Titan Shifter, "My Jean was more than just a comrade to you, wasn't he?"</p><p> </p><p>Pieck froze again. What exactly was Jean to her? Why was she here in Jean's childhood home speaking to his mother? She owed nothing, didn't she? What was she to Jean? What was the time they spent together? And of course, there was the other matter entirely.</p><p> </p><p>"I...I can't exactly say, Mrs. Kirstein. Maybe if there was time..." Pieck shivered as tears welled up in her eyes. "I...I don't really know what we were...or could have..." She began to cry and buried her face in her hands.</p><p> </p><p>For weeks, Jean Kirstein occupied her every waking thoughts. When she shut her eyes she could almost hear his voice laughing at something Connie said like that time when they escaped. She could imagine him sulking like that night in the woods. When the nights were really rough and her demons prevented her from getting a good rest, she could almost feel his arms around her like that night on the boat. What was Jean Kirstein to Pieck Finger? Why did it hurt so much when she saw him standing next to her father that last day. When she reached out that day, who was she reaching out for?</p><p> </p><p>Jean's mother laid a consoling hand on Pieck's shoulder, "I didn't mean to put you on the spot dear."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be consoling you." Pieck wiped the tears away. When she looked at Mrs. Kirstein's face, there was only acceptance and understanding.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to say, Pieck. And please, call me Sara."</p><p> </p><p>Pieck gathered herself for a minute before speaking again, "I'm sorry I couldn't bring him home to you Mrs...Sara. I'm sorry I'm such a mess in front of a complete stranger. I'm sorry I can't even sort out what I feel about your son." She avoided Mrs. Kirstein's gaze.</p><p> </p><p>"But," she continued after an uncomfortable silence, hands gripping the fabric of her uniform pants, "there's another reason why I came here today and why I wanted to meet you."</p><p> </p><p>She faced Sara Kirstein, Pieck didn't even have to imagine how much of a mess she was right now. "I...I only confirmed it a few days ago. I'm pregnant with Jean's child."</p><p> </p><p>She let the words hang in the air. Jean's mother was silent, she had moved her hand to cover her shocked mouth.</p><p> </p><p>At last, Pieck told the secret she kept from everyone. The first time she woke up feeling nauseous, she chalked it up to trauma from the wars. Pieck had never been regular so she thought her period not coming was just another symptom of her past as a Titan Shifter. When days passed without a single drop of blood, she asked a doctor. She didn't even know she could bear a child, weren't Titan Shifters infertile? At least that what Mr. Xavier told her a long time ago. Jean hadn't been the only man to finish inside her either, maybe Galliard was shooting blanks this whole time. She was not showing yet, it's far too early for her to note any exterior changes. But the knowledge that she was carrying Jean Kirstein's child weighed on her mind ever since the doctor confirmed it. That was what made her ask Armin and Mikasa if they knew Jean had any family. That was why she made the trip to the former Trost district all on her own. That was why she was making a complete fool of herself in front of Jean's poor mother.</p><p> </p><p>Not knowing what else to do, Pieck folded her arms and laid her head on the kitchen table, sobbing.</p><p> </p><p>Pieck wasn't sure how much time passed when she felt Mrs. Kirstein's hand on her shoulder again. "Pieck, Pieck." She then felt herself being moved, Jean's mother lifted Pieck and hugged her.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Pieck kept repeating through the tears. "I'm sorry I couldn't bring your Jean home, I...I don't even know what I'm going to do."</p><p> </p><p>"There, there," Mrs. Kirstein softly whispered. "It's alright Pieck." Pieck couldn't even remember what hugs from her own mother felt like, but it must have been something comforting like this.</p><p> </p><p>They stood motionless, Pieck became slack in Mrs. Kirstein's hug. After a while, Jean's mother spoke again, "You know, Pieck. I...I'm happy to know that I'll be a grandmother." Pieck felt as if a small weight had been lifted from her shoulders. "Do...do you have somewhere to live, Pieck? Any family that can take care of you?" Pieck shook her head, "My...my only family's my dad and he's...he's gone too."</p><p> </p><p>Pieck felt Jean's mother hug her tighter, "Shh, don't think about it right now dear. It'll be alright."</p><p> </p><p>"W...will it?" She never felt so worried about the future before. In the past, she kind of took comfort in her limited lifespan. Thirteen years was enough, wasn't it? With the Curse gone...Pieck not only had herself to think about but the child growing in her womb.</p><p> </p><p>"You know," Sara Kirstein sat herself and Pieck back down. "Twenty years ago I was in a similar spot. I was... probably only a little older than you are now. Jean's father...well, he was gone by the time I found out I was carrying Jean. It wasn't easy raising my little Jeanboy all by myself. There was a time when he was so moody he was ashamed he had a doting mother like me. I went to visit him once when he was still a trainee and he yelled and screamed and told me to leave before his friends saw me. When he got that promotion to Commanding Officer, though, he gave me most of his pay. He spoiled me whenever he had the chance. He might have felt a little guilty from how he treated me during his teen years. Oh and he sent me letters when he went to Marley, he even sent me a little gift from there." She pointed at something on the wall.</p><p> </p><p>Pieck was surprised she didn't notice it before. It was a framed photograph of Jean Kirstein. Was he infiltrating Marley before the assault on Liberio? That must have been the only way he got a photograph taken. Photography ateliers were only starting to open on Paradis. He cut a fine figure in a tailored three-piece suit, his fedora on his lap. Pieck wished she could have gotten to know this side of Jean.</p><p> </p><p>"Handsome young man, right Pieck?" Mrs. Kirstein broke Pieck out of her reverie. The former Titan Shifter turned a shade of crimson at the insinuation. Well, if Pieck didn't think Jean was attractive, she wouldn't be here today.</p><p> </p><p>"I raised the man in that image all by myself," Mrs. Kirstein was so proud. "But you know what, Pieck? You're not going to be doing this by yourself."</p><p> </p><p>Pieck looked at Sara a little confused, "how do you mean?"</p><p> </p><p>She received Sara's smiling face in reply, "You have me, Pieck."</p><p> </p><p>Pieck immediately refused, raising both her hands, "No, Mrs...Sara, you don't have to. That's not why I'm here."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not taking no for an answer, Pieck. I can't abide by you raising a child by yourself. Now if you have a roof over your head that's great but you are always welcome here. I am your baby's grandmother, Pieck. And I will spoil him or her silly, just like I did with my Jeanboy."</p><p> </p><p>Pieck felt...happy? Relieved? She let go the breath she didn't even know she was holding. "I don't even know what to say, thanks. I promise I'm not going to burden you, Sara."</p><p> </p><p>"Hush," the older woman waved away Pieck's doubts and worries. "You are my family now. You don't worry your little self, Pieck. Have you eaten?"</p><p> </p><p>Family.</p><p> </p><p>The word echoed in Pieck's mind. A few weeks ago she had lost the only family she ever had. Her father changed into a Titan with the vapor of that primordial beast. That day she lost Jean too. How capricious fate could be, perhaps it was punishment for turning that village of innocent Paradisians into Titans.</p><p> </p><p>Now she gained two people in her life: One she'll meet in about nine months; the other this kind lady who only met her a short time ago but was already offering Pieck her home.</p><p> </p><p>Out of all emotions, happiness became clearer and clearer. "I...yes, Sara, I could use a nice meal." She laughed for the first time since...probably since she and Jean spent the night together.</p><p> </p><p>The older woman beamed with excitement, "You stay right there and I'll fix something. I haven't cooked for anyone else in a while!"</p><p> </p><p>Soon the kitchen was alive with the sound of cookery. Pieck got up, "Please, let me help. I have to learn how to this too, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Sara Kirstein put down her knife and firmly, but gently, stopped Pieck from helping, "You sit back down today. I can teach you everything about cooking some other day." Pieck couldn't help but laugh again, so Jean definitely got his attitude from his mother.</p><p> </p><p>She sat down and waited for Mrs. Kirstein to finish cooking. Shortly after, she was served a fluffy yellow omelette, bacon and some bread. It wasn't the most luxurious of meals but having lived off of rations and military cooking her whole life, this was the most delicious thing she had seen. Her gurgling stomach all but confirmed that. Pieck turned slightly red at how loud it was. "Eat up, if I had known I'd be having a guest today, I'd have put the chicken on." Sara wiped the sweat off her forehead with the kitchen towel and sat back down.</p><p> </p><p>Pieck dug in. She was striking a balance between lapping up the delicious meal but also not come across as though she were starving. "This is delicious, Sara. Thanks for the meal!"</p><p> </p><p>"Think nothing of it," She picked up the now empty plate and cutlery. "Did you know I taught my son how to cook?"</p><p> </p><p>Did she now? Pieck shook her head, "That never came up, unfortunately."</p><p> </p><p>Sara apologized, "You said you only knew each other briefly, I'm sorry. If you don't want to talk about him now...there's always later. I'm sure you have a ton of questions too."</p><p> </p><p>Later.</p><p> </p><p>Pieck smiled again. She had come to Jean's mother's house prepared to tell her the worst and leave as sad and broken as she had felt since she, Mikasa, Levi, Falco, Reiner, Annie and Armin stopped the Rumbling. Yet this genial lady kept reminding her that Pieck had a future. She started thinking about Jean again. What would he have done if she told him? No doubt he would do the responsible thing, he was a gentleman through and through. Would they have a life together? Pieck wasn't even sure it was anything more than two soldiers acting on mutual attraction and seeking solace for one night. Maybe in some other universe, Jean survived and they built a life together in this post-Rumbling world. She also imagined her father crying if he heard he was going to be a grandfather. She could also imagine him threatening to beat Jean to a pulp if he ever mistreated her. Now that she thought about it, her father probably would have gotten along with Jean. They were both strong men with convictions, and also a sense of humor that erred on the side of sarcastic. If she and Jean weren't in love...it might have grown along with the child they raised.</p><p> </p><p>Pieck filed away those thoughts for later.</p><p> </p><p>"I...yes, I'd love to know more about Jean, raising a baby, and anything else you want to share with me, Sara. I...I'm really sorry I couldn't bring your son home to you. He," Pieck's emotions welled up, "he mentioned you. A lot. I thought the least I could do was deliver the bad news to you and meet the mother he loved and missed."</p><p> </p><p>Sara couldn't help but smile, "that means a lot to me. And Pieck, my offer still stands. Any time at all, my door's open for you and your baby."</p><p> </p><p>Pieck hugged her, "Thank you, Sara. I promise I won't be a stranger. You'll be a part of your grandchild's life."</p><p> </p><p>On parting, the sun was starting to set and the air was slightly beginning to cool.</p><p> </p><p>This day had not gone at all the way Pieck expected. She felt elated, perhaps even hopeful of tomorrows to come. Sure, there were lingering doubts about how exactly she was going to raise a child with all of her duties but it was a relief to know she wasn't alone.</p><p> </p><p>She was thankful, so thankful she was given a life after the Rumbling. She was going to make the most of the sacrifices of Commander Theo Magath, Hange Zoë, Connie Springer and of course Jean Kirstein. She got to live. Pieck still didn't think she was deserving of this kind of mercy, but she would live for them.</p><p> </p><p>When she got back to her place that night, she laid on the bed and placed her hand on her belly. "Hey baby," she whispered. "I'm your mother. I can't wait to meet you and introduce you to your grandmother." Pieck looked up, "Jean, I hope you're okay with me being a part of your mother's life from now on. I hope you'll watch over the three of us. I...I..." What did she want to say to Jean? Maybe someday she'll sort out her feelings for the late Commanding Officer of the Survey Corps.</p><p> </p><p>She went to sleep no longer feeling afraid nor alone. Tomorrow...tomorrow is a brand new day, after all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I guess I can't stop writing about this pairing...</p><p>Let's see if this ages like milk come April 9th. (I've kind of made my peace with Jeanbo turning into a Titan)</p><p>I originally wrote this without Pieck being pregnant, but I was listening to "Conceived Sorrow" by Dir en Grey and decided to make this a sort of sequel to my other fic, "Kicks Like a Horse, Don't It?" Also I was thinking some contrived reason why Pieck of all people would want to tell Jean's mom he wasn't coming home again.</p><p>Also, canonically I guess Jean's mother was a throwaway reference with no first name and her only appearance in the manga is in a fake preview while in the anime she appeared in the OVA. I just made up a first name since I figured she would want Pieck to call her by her first name.</p><p>Sorry if it's a bit heavy in some places. The next one I'll uploaded will be shiny, happy and cutesy. Promise (it's the office AU I mentioned).</p><p>FINGERSTEIN SUPREMACY</p></blockquote></div></div>
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